1. “You’ll find someone when you’re not looking.” What the person saying this probably means is “take little breaks from dating apps and pack your schedule with plans so you don’t spend nights swiping through Tinder ab photos until you start to question if a mirror selfie is really always so terrible.” But to save time, they use this short, completely unhelpful phrase. And it makes no sense, because, literally, if two people meet, at least one of them had to be looking at least a little bit! Anyone who tells you stories about how they went to a party and were DEFINITELY NOT LOOKING and then struck up a conversation with another person who was ALSO NOT LOOKING AT ALL, is lying to you.
2. “Put yourself out there!” Dating app fatigue is reaaaaal, as is three-dates-a-week fatigue. If this blanket statement is what everyone keeps telling you over and over again if you complain about not finding anyone, you’ll run yourself into the ground with the seven swipey apps on your phone. Rule: if you’ve seen the same guy’s profile pic on at least two dating apps, believe me, you are *out there.* And you can take breaks.
3. “Don’t overthink things! Just have fun!” But really, what’s wrong with thinking critically? The worst thing that can happen with overthinking is you maybe have a weird fight over nothing, or you slightly misinterpret a text and look like a teeny (yet forgivable) goober. Underthinking aka ~going with the flow~ implies ignoring potential red flags and adapting an “I’ll worry about it later” mentality. Which is how you end up dating fuckboys who freak out if you suddenly double-text them or (the horror!!!) hold their hand.
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4. “Love like you’ve never been hurt.” Ok, yes, maybe don’t go deep into how your exes betrayed you on the first date, but loving like you’ve never been hurt is basically saying “Act like you’ve learned nothing.” The entire benefit of past relationships is that you know more and more what you actually like and what you absolutely can’t deal with. Why the hell else would fate allow you to date a guy who said “I’m not like other guys”, when he really meant “LOL, I’m actually the worst person you’ve ever met”?
5. “Opposites attract!” This is what your friends tell you when you like a guy but, as a certified neat-freak, can’t deal with the fact that you woke up with Cheez-it crumbs embedded in your back flesh. There are differences that are good to have and enhance a relationship; then there’s ones, like money-spending habits or going out vs. staying in urges, that you’re absolutely entitled to not want to work with. Get you a man who won’t leave freshly-shaved beard hairs on the sink right after you stress-cleaned the bathroom.
6. “Don’t have sex right away!” The only person who can decide when to have sex is you and your consenting partner. People will always judge and form their own weirdo conceptions of sex-timing dramatically increasing the success rate of a relationship, as if it’s a legit science. But any implication that the timing of your first kiss or sexual encounter has any bearing on your overall relationship is 1000 percent, completely-outdated garbage.
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7. “If he can’t handle you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.” Ah yes, the best Marilyn Monroe quote that Marilyn Monroe never actually said. Obviously, we all want and deserve partners who will accept our flaws and let us be ourselves around them. But taking the “me at my worst” part literally can be a problem if, you know, you actually need to work on some stuff, too. Your worst can be “I glare at crying babies ruining my brunch”, or it can be “I cheat on him rampantly.” Don’t let this cliché phrase absolve you of thinking critically about what you bring to a relationship, too.
8. “Timing is everything.” This is one of those things that coupled-up people might realize in retrospect, but it makes no sense and is helpful in zero ways when you’re single. Does it mean you need to hold off on asking your friend out in case they’re not ready? Does it mean the guy you like who’s in a relationship will be single at the same time as you some day? Does it just mean to stop going on after-work dates because you’re always too sleepy? What. Does. This. Mean. And. How. Is. It. Helping.
9. “Enjoy being single, you’ll miss it!” Kindly STFU and let me be miffed about being the 11th wheel at this culty couple candlelit birthday dinner.